I was raised in a Christian home, attended church every week, and even went to a Christian elementary school; but it took years to develop a real relationship with my Creator.
I prayed “the prayer” as a kid, but it was more out of fear of going to hell, than from the heart, and I knew I wasn’t right with the Father.
About age 15, the pastor of our church was found to be living a double life and had a separate family on the side.
This crushed me, and really distorted my view of God, because he was basically “on a pedestal” next to God in our home and church.
Not only was his word supposed to be gold, but all the adults in my life thought, and spoke, the same way about him.
So when he fell from grace, this not only split up our church family, but our actual family split, moving to separate areas and new churches.
I related this experience to the Father, which made me question whether God was real.
Even though I had felt his presence as a kid, I thought “How could God’s word be true if everything our pastor said wasn’t true?”
In addition to that, I thought being a Christian meant that I had to be some weird, preaching from a soap box, giving all I had to the poor, ugly-clothes wearing person that couldn’t relate to society.
Honestly, I didn’t think I was “bad enough” to need a savior either.
God was just something I needed “after I lived how I wanted to live” to get into heaven.
I remember actually thinking: “I’ll give my life to Jesus when I’m 70 something…”, not knowing that what the Father really had for me was a full life of peace, joy, and freedom.
The church environment we grew up in was very legalistic and fear-based, and some of the teaching I received was flawed.
I was taught that I could “miss the salvation boat” and be damned forever.
My view of God, the Trinity, was that the Father was angry all the time, Jesus was the meek and mild one who sacrificed himself for the world, and the Holy Spirit was the weird one that floated around.
But God pursued me…
I was super insecure as a kid, and I thought everything about me was ugly...my height, my red hair, my freckles, my big ears, my Christian roots...it was all a reinforcement that “I wasn’t good enough”.
Or so I thought...
I remember being embarrassed that my parents weren’t “normal”, and this was about the time I started changing who I was to be cool and blend in with different circles of people.
Sports was my safe haven, and the only place I felt like I actually fit in.
I pursued this with all my heart and sports was the #1 priority in my life.
It was also my way to gain acceptance and love, which was tied into my view of God, as a god that demands my effort, works, and sacrifice.
Throughout my college football career, I lived how everyone around me was living...aka partying my face off.
I wanted God to bless me when on the football field, but I wanted to live how I wanted to off the field.
But even then, God was pursuing me...
I remember being in a club one night, drunk and high, and hearing the Holy Spirit say (in almost an audible voice above the thumping music), “You’re not supposed to be here”.
It wasn’t judgmental, it was just a sense that I was designed for more than the life I was living.
So I followed that up by pounding shots to drown out the voice…
I thought life was all about me.
I would take coaching personally, not looking at it as a growth opportunity, and lived with a massive chip on my shoulder.
I even contemplated getting the tattoo “On My Own”, because I was going to make it on my own!
I was so ungrateful and compared myself to everyone, and everything, around me.
Even when I succeeded, I still found ways to pull myself down with my internal dialogue.
I was building the personal jail cell of my mind bigger and bigger.
Yet, God still pursued me…
After college, I was out of football and found work as a car salesman.
I hated it so bad, I went and coached girl’s high school basketball to be around sports, and thankfully got an opportunity to play football again.
I had a girlfriend at this time, and my intention was to be the best boyfriend I could be, not like a lot of the guys around me.
I was staying on a teammate’s futon and we all went out to get drinks.
Well, I ended up having way too much to drink that night, and when the guys brought some girls home, I ended up messing around with one of them.
I woke up in the morning with a pit in my stomach, because I had tried to be good and failed. It was proof that I wasn’t good enough “on my own”.
After confessing to my girlfriend, I couldn’t shake the feeling I had, so I decided to go for a walk and stopped on the edge of a baseball field and sat under a tree.
Holy Spirit showed up again and I had this sense of His presence.
I remember feeling this sense of a sheet, or film, in front of me, and it was the thinnest membrane imaginable.
He was saying “Accept Me”, and all I had to do was intend to cross that membrane...not break it, or move towards it, just intend to move towards it, and I would be right with my Creator.
But I was stubborn, and I told God in that moment: “I’m going to do this on my own”.
And I got up from that tree and walked back to my apartment.
So over the next few years, I looked like a Christian.
I went to church every week, and even read the Bible occasionally, but I knew I wasn’t right with God.
Every 3 or 6 months I would feel His presence come back on me, usually when I was alone, and I would literally flex to fight off the Spirit.
So one day I was riding to practice, with a carload of teammates, and I felt His presence come on me harder, and more intense than any time before.
This time was different though...after I “fought off” the Spirit, I felt like He left, like He removed His presence from me for a bit.
Shortly after that, I was attacked by something dark…
I woke up in my room early in the morning and my room was like an ice box, even though it was about 90 degrees that day.
I grabbed my Bible and kept shouting “JESUS, JESUS, JESUS…” but couldn’t get whatever it was to leave.
I even went outside in the heat but still was freezing cold!
It was crazy…
Shortly after that, I developed my first major injury (a sports hernia) and was forced to miss the rest of the season.
The day after my injury, I was told that the Miami Dolphins were going to sign me, which would have been the fulfillment of my football dream.
The crazy thing is that my injury came from overworking my body from my flawed mentality to do everything “on my own”.
I still played football the next 3 years and the injuries racked up…
But still God pursued me…
Every 3-6 months I would feel His presence and I would stay up all hours of the night on my phone to avoid being idle, because I would hear his voice when things were quiet.
I ended up playing for my last team in Chicago, IL and only played 7 games before getting cut.
My body hadn’t healed and I wasn’t near the same player I had been, but God had a plan…
I had met a friend, at a church event, and since I knew no one in the city, I asked if I could stay on his couch.
He thankfully said yes, and I ended up finding a job as a waiter, and started training people on the weekends when I wasn’t working at the restaurant.
My friend was leading a life group and he decided to take communion one night for the group.
I had never taken communion before, because I knew that was for people who were saved, and I racked my brain for excuses to miss the meeting.
Thankfully I found none, and in a quiet moment with myself and God, I stopped running from Him, doing things “on my own”, and I gave my life to Him.
Growing up I thought that moment meant my life wouldn’t drastically change in an instant, but it was more like the beginning for me.
I got baptized a few weeks later to proclaim my faith publicly, and now it was my turn to pursue God.
I started to create habits, like daily reading my Bible, prayer, and developing a real relationship with Him.
I wish I could tell you that things changed overnight, but in my experience, God is more like the gym than a genie.
Most people want God to just snap His fingers and solve all their problems, but the truth is that we grow through discomfort.
The Bible says: “God disciplines the children He loves…”.
The Greek origin of Discipline is: “To train”.
So what it’s really saying is that “God trains the children He loves.”
And the training was just beginning for me.
I’ve seen God do some really amazing things in my life, and He has ALWAYS provided for me.
I’ve seen a man gain his sight back after being blind for years, and I’ve seen miraculous healings that could only be a miracle.
But the biggest miracle is how God never left me and kept pursuing me, and how He never gave up (and never will).
It’s no secret that life has its ups, and downs, but the thing that blows me away is that we have a Daddy who loves us so much, wants the best for us, and is always there!
He’s always close, never far.
No matter how it feels in the moment.
My adventure with the Father is just starting, and I’m so grateful for all He’s blessed me with!
Because EVERY good and perfect gift comes from above.
My prayer for you (if you’ve read this far) is that you find a personal relationship with your Creator, or find a closer relationship with Him.
He’s a good, good Daddy and has great plans for you!
Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans for hope and a future…
So if you’re running right now, please take a lesson from my journey and stop.
It’s a much better adventure when you have “the friend that sticks closer than a brother” with you through this life ;)
Your Friend,
Nate